me thinks...
me thinks no one is going to like what I say...
And the irony of this website is that I’m the last person in the world who can express their feelings.
If you feel this website is too depressing focusing too much on all the bad and yukky stuff, good, as it's doing what its meant to do. To go into our darkness we need to accept and allow ourselves to feel our pain - all the bad stuff. To heal ourselves so we can be free of it all, we have to allow it to have its say. We have to stop running away by pretending we're not full of it and it's not affecting us. I am trying to make this website focus as much as possible on all the bad stuff few people want to acknowledge exists, and yet have their face rubbed in from time to time. And I want to show that it's okay to feel as negative as you want, because that's what you ARE feeling - it's you. And that if you think it's bad to feel as bad as you feel, then that's only because you've been taught by your parents and society that it's wrong to feel that way. And yet you DO feel that way, so what's so wrong about it. And as you can't do anything about it once you stop trying to make it go away and ignore you do feel bad, then all you can do is go the other way and admit and accept it.
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The whole point of our healing is to become true to our unloved state. All so we can feel how feeling unloved makes us feel. And all so we can give up pretending we do feel loved when we don't. And so it's my intention to achieve this myself through my own healing, and to offer some insight and perhaps help to those people who also might want to live true to themselves.
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We call control - love.
As I’m telling every parent they didn’t fully love their child - I guess that won’t go down too well. I don’t think many people will want to read what I say. Especially when most people feel loved by their parents. And yet when you look at the evidence of the world we’ve created for ourselves, how unloving it is, created by so-called loved children who’ve grown up into so-called loving adults... Perhaps there might be something in what I’m saying after all. Perhaps someone else might be interested in what I say.
I have to say no one feels truly loved - because that’s how I feel. And I can’t know how anyone else feels. I can only see the world through my child-eyes. They didn’t love me, although they did all they could to make me believe they did.
My parents said they loved me, but it was the false me, the me they made me become. And this set up a huge confusion in me. But now as I’m coming to understand it, I’m separating from them. They can go on living in the delusion that they love me. And I can know they didn’t - because I don’t feel loved by them. And I can live being true to myself, whilst they live with the fantasy false me they created.
So perhaps it's the same for many if not all of us. We can believe we feel loved, but that's when we're false and enjoying our parents loving the falseness they have created, and such feelings feel very real and very intense at times. But when we are true, true to how we really feel - those feelings that can only come up when we're healing your childhood repression - then things change, particularly the way we look at ourselves. So perhaps we don't feel as loved as we feel we do. I don’t think you’ll like being told what a rotten unloving parent you are. I don’t think I would have liked to have been told such a thing were I a parent. But now having progressed this far in my feeling-healing, I know I would have been an unloving parent. How could I have not been one, when I wasn’t loved, so don’t know how to love.
No one likes to be told they are not loving. And yet how many people grow up feeling unloved by their parents. And how many children feel completely loved all the time. It just doesn’t happen. So when you can put your sensitive ego aside and face the truth, then you’ll be able to look more truly at your feelings. Then you’ll be able to start to really accept how you feel.
I say all love is false, but that’s only my experience from within my family. We said and felt we loved one another, but it was only with the mind and not with true feelings. This I now understand - feel - as a consequence of my feeling-healing. And so in my writings I say all love within the negative condition is false love for how can it be anything else. And yet I also acknowledge that within the negative and relative to it, love is what it is. And of course I can’t know what love is or feels like for another person, so if you feel love, then love it is; and if it turns out to be false love as you move through your feeling-healing, then it will be false love. And if it’s true and real love then it will always remain as it is - true and real.
It's said the truth hurts. It does hurt, but no more than the hurt already experienced by not feeling as loved as you needed to feel. As my bad feelings surface all the pain gives rise to greater and greater understanding - and truth - about my relationship with my parents. And when the truth comes it doesn't hurt, it actually makes me feel better, it's all those rotten bad feelings I've been repressing to keep the truth from myself that hurts.
What we all have to understand is that how we live life is going against ourselves. And it’s easier for some people to accept this than others depending on parental influences during their forming years. If you formed believing the world is right how it is, then that is how it is for you. If you formed believing the world is wrong how it is, then that is how it is for you. And if you were formed like me, a confused mess somewhere in the middle but leaning to it being more right than wrong, then you’ll continue to be a mess - that is until you do your feeling-healing. That’s what I hope anyway.
My parents believe they love me - they don't know that they didn't. Their actions belie their words, and this truth I know because I don't feel loved by them. I used to believe I felt loved by them because that's what they told me, but it was only words, and once I'd stripped away such wrong beliefs to uncover my true feelings, so the truth has been revealed. Life may not be as you think it is. You may not be as you think you are.
THE TRUTH OF YOU IS YOUR FEELINGS - WHAT YOU FEEL. You are your feelings. You are not the beliefs of your mind.
My truth is that I’ve always felt miserable, yet I disconnected from my feelings using my mind to pretend I felt okay, denying my misery. The truth is however, I am always miserable, even when I don’t think or feel I am. And gradually I’m seeing that I’m only doing what I do to cover up such bad feelings. |
Someone's got to say all the nasty bits.
Please understand that my website is only an expression of myself. It's simply an outworking of my healing, of all that's coming to light within me as I reveal the truth to myself of my childhood repression. And although I might speak as if I know what's right for us all, really I'm only saying it about myself, as I can't know what is right for another person or how they see things.
What is the purpose of this website?
To give some indication of the horror we live in (and a little about how we might go about fixing it) that we accept to be right and normal; and in particular to do with relationships beginning with the parent and child. All based on my own feeling-healing experiences. ‘Look on the bright side, it’ll be good, you’ll see, give it a go, go on, nothing bad will happen...’ You didn’t want to do it, but evil coerced you, making you go against yourself, making you do what they wanted you to do.
There’s only a point if you feel good. If you feel bad there’s no point. So what’s the point of feeling bad!
You can’t change until you admit and face the truth:
I’m fucked, I’m evil, I’m wrong, I’m going against all that’s good and love, I’m not loving. ‘Oh good boy, that’s a big smelly pooh.’ I realised through my healing that I have to keep eating too much, so I can keep doing big smelly poos. All so I get the positive attention. All so I can get what I wrongly believe to be - love.
It’s all so literal. Literally how it was for you when you were growing up is how it is for you now. Only you won’t see it until you uncover your truth.
There is no right way to parent, as in learning the proper formula; there is only living true to yourself.
Psychology, so far as I'm concerned, is only just scratching the surface. And most of it is about helping one maintain, or even become more proficient in, ones self- and feeling-denying state. Once again like most things we do, it's not what we think it is, it's not truly helping us.
Do I hate everyone and myself? Yes!
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Doing your healing is the only way out.