projection, transference and extension
Few people will want to honour their feelings and own up to the truth:
that they hate their parents because their parents hated them.
that they hate their parents because their parents hated them.
Projection, transference and extension
My parents forced me to stop being how I naturally wanted to be, and so instead made me be how they wanted me to be. Effectively they said God got it wrong and they knew better than God, and set out to fix the problems I had - all the problems they were causing in me! But they couldn’t see that. And really it was just that I didn’t suit them as I was. I was a pain in the arse, a bother, a nuisance and someone they had to control and have power over making sure I did as I was told. And this has fucked me up no end, the amount of which my feeling-healing is showing me. The amount of which after sixteen years of delving into it, bad feelings surfacing daily, I am still astounded by. One of the most confusing aspects I have uncovered about myself, is that along the way through my early development it became too hard to keep fighting them, trying to stick up for my pure and true self, and so I had to give up, give myself away, and join them in their negative state and how they wrongly saw everything - including how they saw me. And if I did as I was told, they praised me for being a ‘good boy’, which gave me some power in my world, making me feel artificially good - such ‘good’ feelings being much better than no good feelings and always feeling bad. So I worked very hard at re-focusing my will being as they said they wanted me to be, even in the end believing their way was right and I had mastered it, able to go out into the ‘big’ world, leaving my family and 'knowing' the true and correct way to live: how to behave, what to say, what to believe, what to do. And I tried, and failed miserably at it. This being because, as I have also revealed to myself through my feeling-healing, other vital tools - beliefs and behaviours, that ones needs to have so as to be strong and competitive in our negative world, they forgot to include in my training. Something of a minor oversight on their behalf, yet the key to my being such a useless failure in life, which has thankfully worked in my favour, as I sought to uncover the truth of why I can't ‘do’ life like everyone else can - hence leading me to doing my healing. But getting back to the problem, by losing the focus of myself, I have become caught up in projecting, transferring and seeing myself as nothing more than an extension of them, this being something psychologically complex, frustrating, and very confusing. I, so it has turned out, was really nothing more than an extension of my mother. Also of my father and grandparents, but she was the most directly influential person in my life. She didn’t see me as a person in my own right separate from herself, she couldn’t as she didn’t see herself as one either, even though she believed she was. So when I was born and after all the oohs and aahs of the nice pretty baby were over, I became like another arm of hers, but one that she needed to look after, and one that wouldn’t just behave and do as it was told - be as her other arms were. I was like having an arm that annoyingly would suddenly start to move, say rise up, all of it’s own accord and for no apparent reason. And she had to repeatedly stop it, bringing it back into order. And no sooner had it stopped misbehaving, but there it would go again, starting to rise up and she’d have to come down hard on it bringing it back into line. And as I grew older and stronger, so she had to work harder at keeping her nuisance of an arm under control, doing and saying all sorts of things to maintain power over it - over me. And in the end it all became too much for me. As I said, I couldn’t go on trying to battle against her for my own independence, and at some point, around six and half, I finally decided to give in totally, she won, I gave up myself and became her well behaved and ‘right way to behave’ other arm. I became nothing more than an extension of her. And so by becoming her, as that is effectively what I did, I didn’t get into trouble as much, she wasn’t as nasty to me as she had been, and I even got praised for being a nice, kind, caring and responsible boy. And I felt good about that. So forevermore I would come down hard on my naughty disrespectful yet true and all but forgotten real self, that would periodically try and rise up and have a say, keeping it suppressed and then fully repressed with all my will, with all the force and strength I had. I had taken over being her to myself. So I became her and an extension of her. And being being her I looked at the world, and if anyone didn’t do as she wanted, if they displeased her, so too did they displease me, and I got angry with them. All I have been angry about regarding other people I have come to see has really been all that made her angry, my projection and transference onto them being complete. I would look at them and what they were doing or saying, and I would judge them as being wrong. They were not being how I was made to be, they were not living life as I was made to believe was the right way. I would get angry with Marion when she did something that made me feel bad, it making me feel bad because she wasn’t being as I am, being how my mother is. I would put all my shit on her, transfer and project onto her, abusing her for not being good, nice, caring and responsible, like I was. And yet Marion would object and say no you are wrong, and I’d fight her: no, you are wrong and I am right! And through my feelings, endlessly speaking about them and seeing what they were showing me, I would gradually and then finally come to see that in fact I was wrong and Marion was right. And I was wrong because my mother was wrong. And then a little part of the true me would be liberated, and I’d feel a lot better about myself, I’d even feel a little of the real me was expressing itself in the world. And further to this I came slowly to understand, mostly because of what Marion has shown and told me all though her feelings, that really so far as my mother was concerned, I was her, I was an extension of or some part of her. And that she was afraid that if this wayward part of her didn’t fall into line, she was going to be punished by her mother, so she had to keep the reigns tight on me. So if a bad thing happened to me, she took it that it was happening to her. And so when I got hit in the face by a half-brick at Kindy, she got hit in the face by a half-brick. And although she tried to be sympathetic about my suffering such a bad experience, she really was angry with me for it happening because in a way I’d let it happen to her - which is really fucked, but shows just how fucked up we all are. And so here am I, a newly emerging person coming into being looking to my mother for direction, support and loving guidance, and what do I get: hit in the face with all her shit, and a very mixed up, fucked up person who doesn’t have clue about what’s really going on inside her, and what her deeper motives in life are. So to extract myself from my unconscious belief that I am my mother, that we are not separate, is no small thing, and it has been hell to work myself back through all the little parts. And it’s also been hell to slowly wake up to the fact that Marion is not having a relationship with me, but with a conglomerate of my adult family members, and that really - I don’t exist. And it’s been even worse for me to admit and then accept that I’m not having a relationship with her, but still only with my bloody mother. And how has feeling that I don’t exist made me feel? Well, bad, and I had no idea how bad. I had no idea I could feel as bad as I have felt all these healing years, and feel as bad in so many different ways. So my goal in trying to become true to myself - true to my feelings, is to really become my own unique self, the real and true me, and stop being my mother. Slowly I am working my way back into being the real and true me at conception, or just before it, just before I took on all that my parents are, and then to somehow be ‘conceived’ by perfect loving parents, be ‘born again’ into a perfect loving and true family, all giving rise to feeling that I have been Born Anew. Born anew as it were in my psyche, yet this time around being the right and true me, the me God created and one that is free to fully express itself as was intended. The one that was pushed aside, buried and replaced by the false me. So through my healing I have felt systematically like I am dying, not physically as such, although with my body filled with so many aches and pains I feel like I’m a hundred years old most days and near the end of it all, but emotionally and spiritually. The false me my parents made me become is dying, it’s retracting, whilst the real and true me is coming up in its place. And really when you think about it, it’s an incredible and massive inner transformation, and something to actually experience; and is, as hard as it is, wonderful. So to start off in a negative life, then to wake up to the fact that it’s fucked, and then to seek to heal it becoming positive minded and willed, is quite a challenge. Nevertheless, one that faces us all. And so as the Americans say: ‘Enjoy!’ We’re all still children, showing we all need help.
We don’t realise our parents are the cause of our pain; the pain we want them to take away from us - to love us, so our pain goes away. However the cause of our pain can’t then turn around and love us. When we’re very small we feel the pain and want it to go, we want our parents to take it away. We fail to see because we can’t see, that it’s our parents who are the cause of it and they can’t take it away. Yet forevermore it’s what we want them to do. So as adults we transfer that desire onto other things, sex, drugs, music, television, sport, work, babies, alcohol, food, religion, whatever it is, wanting those things to be our parents taking our pain away. But they don’t, as they can’t. Only our own self-love through our ongoing feeling-acceptance can take the pain away. We end up having to face the truth and realise that we have to do it all ourselves - that no one else is going to do it for us. Our parents aren’t going to come back and love us how we longed to be loved by them. Not even God our Big Parents are going to do that for us.
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The child is NOT the evil one.
Psychoanalysis - it’s not to fix the problem, but to know it. So you bring it all out and see the cause of your trauma - what you experienced when young. And then you feel good having released all the pain and associated repressed feelings. And then you go into your new free life, getting on with your negative state. But what about the deeper stuff, the real causes and reasons why, all to do with dealing with your relationship with your parents, embracing the hate, the cruelty and feeling so unloved. And then see how it’s all affected you and still is, and how you then affect others because of it.
It’s horrible how so many people grow up to be the ‘parents’ of their parents. They patronisingly and condescendingly tell them how to be. Now they are in the controlling seat and as their parents are weaker and not as dominant so they can boss them about. Their parents are infirm, or just old, being treated like they are retarded people who don’t know anything for themselves, have seemingly not lived a full life gaining masses of experience from it so are dumb, or not capable of looking after themselves, or even speaking for themselves. We treat the young and the old appallingly, yet it’s also how we treat ourselves only mostly we don’t see it, because whilst we’re in the prime of our lives we can override all our weaknesses, we can take control and stop others from controlling us.
The parent tells off and punishes its child. Its child then applies it to itself, it’s what one does to oneself, but as it can’t really tell itself off and punish itself so it looks to do it to its dolly or its sibling or its pet or to whatever it can, even its parents if they allow it. Then when it becomes the parent it can tell off and punish its child who is really itself, just as it made its doll or sibling or pet be its punished self. We keep doing to ourselves all our parents did to us. It’s all we know to do.
When the child becomes the parent it says, ah, now I feel sorry for my parents, now I understand how much trouble children are. Parenting is the ultimate power trip. The parent says, now it’s my turn, you do as I say. I was made to do as my parents said, now you have to do what I want. We don’t want to remember what it was like for us as children. And if you weren’t cared about and fully loved as a child, you can’t suddenly care about and fully love your own child. To do that would be too much to bear, meaning you’d missed out on love both ways. You never got it, and still don’t have it, and now you’ve got to give something you don’t have to your child. It’s impossible.
We don’t look at the older person and see all the damage coming out from its early childhood, all the damage in its childhood and early adult years it was able to hide. An aware person would be able to look at the child and see that damage, whereas most people overlook it and don’t see, because they are blind to the truth of what they are doing to their child.
My parents are amazing. They treat me and show me that I am horrible and yet they say how much they love me. Aren’t they incredible how they can keep loving someone who’s so horrible. They are so good, truly incredible people.
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Attachment
You feel you have to sort of attach yourself to the other person, that person or creature being good, nice, or beautiful, so you will in some way, become as they are, so no longer being the yuk thing you are, but the smart, nice, good person like they are.
By yourself you feel you are nothing, a no one, of no account, unimportant; and you feel desperately unloved and uncared about. So by attaching yourself to the ‘better person’ you sort of feel you are loved through them, sort of by being them because you’re with them, because they are accepting you and even wanting you to be with them. You sort of gain their identify, so you sort of gain their love, feeling you are worthy, or worthwhile vicariously through them, it all being very precarious and vague.
You feel you have no self-esteem, no good feelings about yourself, even no ego of self-importance, so need to gain all of that from outside yourself, by becoming as it were, the other person. And as that other person is usually very self-confident, so you feel you can be as they are, perhaps as they are might rub off on you, or even more so, you are as they are, simply because you are aligning yourself with them - ‘being’ them.
And you have a great need to ingratiate or impress your service on the other person making them feel they like you, need you, can’t do without you, all so they will accept you so you can be with them.
You have no real sense of yourself, so you need the other person to, as it were, provide it for you, for if they don’t, then you are alone and by yourself feeling you don’t exist. You don’t have feelings within yourself and of yourself of your own self-importance in Creation, that you do exist just as you are with nothing being asked of you.
So you do all you can to get the attention you need, always doing all you can for everyone else and nothing for yourself. It’s all about and for them, not for yourself. They are the important ones and you need to make sure they keep feeling that way, you are unimportant, so need to be them to be important. If you can help them feel important, even though they more than likely already do, then you’re at least worth something to someone, so you do exist, they do need and want you; and so perhaps, if you’re lucky, you might not be that piece of unwanted and despised shit that you feel you are after all.
And all you do is all so you don’t feel hated and that you’re the most vile and repulsive person alive. You’ve been made to believe you are so revolting and that no one would be able to bear being with you, no one would want or put up with you; and because of that, for you to have any hope at all, you have to make the other person like you, so do all you can to gain their attention and focus and hopefully their love. All you tried to do to gain such things from your parents.
You don’t just feel naturally good and loved, with self-love, and good feelings about yourself. And you’re at the bottom of the slime hole, and it’s a long way to climb up out of it.
You feel you have to sort of attach yourself to the other person, that person or creature being good, nice, or beautiful, so you will in some way, become as they are, so no longer being the yuk thing you are, but the smart, nice, good person like they are.
By yourself you feel you are nothing, a no one, of no account, unimportant; and you feel desperately unloved and uncared about. So by attaching yourself to the ‘better person’ you sort of feel you are loved through them, sort of by being them because you’re with them, because they are accepting you and even wanting you to be with them. You sort of gain their identify, so you sort of gain their love, feeling you are worthy, or worthwhile vicariously through them, it all being very precarious and vague.
You feel you have no self-esteem, no good feelings about yourself, even no ego of self-importance, so need to gain all of that from outside yourself, by becoming as it were, the other person. And as that other person is usually very self-confident, so you feel you can be as they are, perhaps as they are might rub off on you, or even more so, you are as they are, simply because you are aligning yourself with them - ‘being’ them.
And you have a great need to ingratiate or impress your service on the other person making them feel they like you, need you, can’t do without you, all so they will accept you so you can be with them.
You have no real sense of yourself, so you need the other person to, as it were, provide it for you, for if they don’t, then you are alone and by yourself feeling you don’t exist. You don’t have feelings within yourself and of yourself of your own self-importance in Creation, that you do exist just as you are with nothing being asked of you.
So you do all you can to get the attention you need, always doing all you can for everyone else and nothing for yourself. It’s all about and for them, not for yourself. They are the important ones and you need to make sure they keep feeling that way, you are unimportant, so need to be them to be important. If you can help them feel important, even though they more than likely already do, then you’re at least worth something to someone, so you do exist, they do need and want you; and so perhaps, if you’re lucky, you might not be that piece of unwanted and despised shit that you feel you are after all.
And all you do is all so you don’t feel hated and that you’re the most vile and repulsive person alive. You’ve been made to believe you are so revolting and that no one would be able to bear being with you, no one would want or put up with you; and because of that, for you to have any hope at all, you have to make the other person like you, so do all you can to gain their attention and focus and hopefully their love. All you tried to do to gain such things from your parents.
You don’t just feel naturally good and loved, with self-love, and good feelings about yourself. And you’re at the bottom of the slime hole, and it’s a long way to climb up out of it.
We project onto them thinking they are us and we know how they are. But we don’t, how can we, we’re not them.
We think everything is to do with us; what bad thing is going to happen next to me, being always worried, upset and scared about everything.
When an outside thing upsets you, it’s keying into what happened to you during your forming years on any or all levels - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. You feel like it’s happening to you.
We’ve been removed from ourselves so we project onto other things, creatures and people - even God. So we can use them to feel and find the truth within ourselves. We see it in them, all our problems and yuk, but when we’re back true to ourselves, we’ll see it only in ourselves. We will no longer be projecting onto them.
We think everything is to do with us; what bad thing is going to happen next to me, being always worried, upset and scared about everything.
When an outside thing upsets you, it’s keying into what happened to you during your forming years on any or all levels - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. You feel like it’s happening to you.
We’ve been removed from ourselves so we project onto other things, creatures and people - even God. So we can use them to feel and find the truth within ourselves. We see it in them, all our problems and yuk, but when we’re back true to ourselves, we’ll see it only in ourselves. We will no longer be projecting onto them.
Possession
Marion was saying this morning how so many people who say they love their children only do so because they view their child as a possession of theirs, a possession they love. And all so long as it does what they expect, want and demand, being a good possession, they say they love it, but when the child doesn’t fit into how they want their possessions to be, they get angry with it, hitting it and yelling at it, all whilst still maintaining the delusion of love.
We love the thing or person or creature because it’s how we think it should be. We don’t love it when it’s not. We love it when we can control it in one way or another, all in the misguided belief that it’s ours to control.
Mum loved all her ‘things’, she loved having her things around her in the house, all her beautiful things. And that included her children. We were acceptable, we passed, we looked good enough to be part of her things. And really, could she have just put us on the shelf along with the rest of her things getting someone in once a week to dust us, she’d have been very happy.
I know for myself through my healing all I’ve believed and felt I loved was because such things were mine - my fish, even my girlfriends. I don’t know what unconditional love is. I even loved nature believing in some way it was mine. I hate it when the tree-choppers come around and ruin my trees, when the council mows all my beautiful flowers that come up along the side of the road right during their most gloriousness. They ruin my things, taking away the pleasure I derive from them.
But to give up and let go and understand they are not my things, and if I had children that they were not mine to do as I pleased with, is very difficult, especially when all I’ve known is how to possess, dominate and control, all in the name of love. So I’m full of false love feelings. Oh the love feelings are there all right, but it’s why I’m loving them, and what am I actually loving, it being all just a fantasy of one sort or another.
And then what would true loving feelings feel like? Loving something for being itself and nothing else. With no agenda - unconditionally, and with no desire to make it be how I want it to be, or loving it because it is how I say it should be.
Marion was saying this morning how so many people who say they love their children only do so because they view their child as a possession of theirs, a possession they love. And all so long as it does what they expect, want and demand, being a good possession, they say they love it, but when the child doesn’t fit into how they want their possessions to be, they get angry with it, hitting it and yelling at it, all whilst still maintaining the delusion of love.
We love the thing or person or creature because it’s how we think it should be. We don’t love it when it’s not. We love it when we can control it in one way or another, all in the misguided belief that it’s ours to control.
Mum loved all her ‘things’, she loved having her things around her in the house, all her beautiful things. And that included her children. We were acceptable, we passed, we looked good enough to be part of her things. And really, could she have just put us on the shelf along with the rest of her things getting someone in once a week to dust us, she’d have been very happy.
I know for myself through my healing all I’ve believed and felt I loved was because such things were mine - my fish, even my girlfriends. I don’t know what unconditional love is. I even loved nature believing in some way it was mine. I hate it when the tree-choppers come around and ruin my trees, when the council mows all my beautiful flowers that come up along the side of the road right during their most gloriousness. They ruin my things, taking away the pleasure I derive from them.
But to give up and let go and understand they are not my things, and if I had children that they were not mine to do as I pleased with, is very difficult, especially when all I’ve known is how to possess, dominate and control, all in the name of love. So I’m full of false love feelings. Oh the love feelings are there all right, but it’s why I’m loving them, and what am I actually loving, it being all just a fantasy of one sort or another.
And then what would true loving feelings feel like? Loving something for being itself and nothing else. With no agenda - unconditionally, and with no desire to make it be how I want it to be, or loving it because it is how I say it should be.
It’s all about feelings and not anything about the mind.